Why Today?

I had a memory a few days ago. Well, really just a small thread, that when pulled, the memory came back. It's funny how memories work that way sometimes. But, before I can tell you that I must go back...

There is a moment, the before and the after, when you realize, no matter what happens from that point on, your life will be forever altered. For me that moment was a Wednesday morning in May. My Mom was in the hospital again (7th time I think since December). We all knew this time felt different. My sister and brother took the late shift with Mom the night before and I took the morning shift. By morning Mom had been moved to a different floor, one that I was unfamiliar with. Trust me, after 6 months we all knew Cooper Hospital very well. I was instantly on alert because of the floor change. The moment I walked onto the new floor things started to happen in this very surreal way. The Doctor, who was on the phone, looked up at me when I said; "I'm here to see my Mom, Mary Jo Mullen." Instantly he hung up the phone, walked up to me and introduced himself. For me, that is the moment, the before and the after. If you have ever been in a situation like this you know there is a lot of medical this and medical that but the reality is you already know the outcome. The bizarre thing about a loved one dying after being sick is you are supposed to have all of this time to "prepare". Right? But no amount of preparing gets you ready for THAT moment. The call the rest of the family, time is no longer on your side, spend as much time as you can with the person, pray, cry, love, kiss, hug moment. And the thought, Why Today?

A lot happened over the course of the next few days which thankfully included my Mom being able to come home for her last moments. The thing is, I have all of these holes in my memory not just during that week, but the next few months. I feel like I woke up one morning in a strange house in a strange state and was like OH YEAH! THAT ALL HAPPENED!

I have to keep reminding myself that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Part of me handling everything was to...in the words of my Mother...sweep it under the rug. In my own limited capacity as a human I had to box things up in tiny little packages to be handled at a later date. So, these threads of memory are the little boxes I am ready to unpack. The memories of those final days with my Mom, the week between her death and her funeral and the move immediately after. I'm ready. Some of it is going to be painful. I might even let the tears come (stay tuned for an update on that) but I am ready. No one can move forward without dealing with the emotions of the past.

Today, I'm not a big fan of self study! Some days we will be and some days we won't. It's all part of the journey...the good, the bad, the ugly, warts and all. Try not to pick and choose where this path takes you. Open yourself up to yourself, no matter what bends and twists you might encounter on the road. 

Namaste My Dear Friends.

Inspirational Thought/Tidbits for and about Life

Today I simply leave you with my favorite quote: "We can't do anything about the length of our life but we can do something about the width and depth." ~Shira Tehrani

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